Threesomes, and the Nature of Sexual Objectification
Cory Silverberg wrote on article that Dan and Jennifer posted to Twitter. I thought I would share since this is a topic many of us are interested in. This is the email Cory received:
My husband and I would like to have a woman join us in bed. He thinks we can just hire someone, but I’d rather not have to pay someone to have sex with me. Part of me would like it to be with someone we know, but that may strain that relationship. I’d really like to find a woman who is “dying” to have sex with me (so much so she’s willing to include my husband!) So, how do i go about finding that person? And is it objectifying to seek out someone for sex only?
And his response:
My first answer is yes. That is, if you are really only interested in finding someone to fulfill your sexual desires, someone who essentially stands in as an object or thing that will be there for you to use as you wish without having to think about their needs or wants, I think that could be accurately described as objectifying them. But, I very quickly want to point out that if you are up front about this and you find someone who happens to be turned on by this idea, then I’m not sure there’s a problem with it. No sexual exchange is every completely complimentary. We all get different things from sexual encounters and two people can leave a sexual interaction both satisfied but having got very different things from it. So I guess what I’m saying is that sexual objectification is not always a bad thing.
My second answer to your question is no. I say no because most of the time what you’re describing isn’t really objectifying. To objectify in this context would mean to treat someone like an object, a thing. Feeling sexual desire for someone in the absence of any other kind of interest or desire is not the same thing as thinking about them as an object. You say that you want to have sex with someone who desires you. That sounds to me like you are looking for a person to have sex with, not an object. I think the charge of objectification is often made by people who think it’s wrong to want sex and not a relationship, or to want sex without love. I would argue that there is nothing inherently wrong with either of these things. They may run counter to an individuals beliefs and values, and they are probably the wrong choice for some. But believe me, if people only had sex when they were in love or when they wanted to be in a relationship there would be a lot less sex happening in the world.
On to the more practical aspect of your question: where to find someone to have sex with. It seems like you and your husband have already talked about this but before you bring a live person into the mix (as opposed to the fantasy that you may have both thought through a few times) I want to suggest you make sure you’re on the same page about what you want. Are you looking for one night of hot sex? Is this something that might happen again? It doesn’t sound like either of you are looking to bring a third partner into the relationship, but it’s best to be clear about that too.
I’m probably reading too much into it, but I did want to ask if you are mostly interested in having sex with another woman or having sex with another woman AND your husband. I ask because the way you worded your question made me wonder if having your husband along was more of a concession. We all make concessions of course, but I’m a big fan of going in with as much forethought as possible.
There are lots of places to find someone to have sex with, and whatever your situation, there are lots of people out there who would be ready and willing to have sex with you and your husband. Each come with their pros and cons. You’ve already identified that hooking up with someone you know will likely have many strings (and strains) attached. But if you’re the kind of person who will only be comfortable if it’s someone you know, then you may want to start there.
Most online dating sites and personals sections offer opportunities to find people for sex. You can look for profiles of women open to hearing from couples. You could also post a profile yourself. Some couples post one profile as a couple (although to be honest you’ll get very different responses as an individual vs. as a couple). If you are only looking for a one night stand I’d recommend these over finding people through, say, a swingers group where folks are often expecting more social interaction.
Your husband’s idea that you pay someone also has it’s pros and cons. The big con being that (depending on where you live) it’s illegal. But I have to say that if you lived somewhere were it was legal to negotiate sex for money with a professional, that situation has many benefits. Sex workers are professionals. They have clear boundaries, they are good at communicating those boundaries and communicating about sex and if you were comfortable with it, experimenting with a sex worker actually eliminates some of the risks of hooking up with a non-professional. A sex worker isn’t going to fall in love with either you or your husband. They aren’t going to call you afterward, and if you run into them out in public they aren’t going to start talking about the sex you had. I’m not suggesting this is the way to go, but wanted to point out a few of the benefits, for those who can access professional services legally.
No matter how you look or who you find, I wanted raise a few points worth considering as you move this idea from fantasy to reality:
Safety: If it’s been a while since you’ve had sex with someone other than your husband, you want to make sure you’re thinking about what kinds of sex you want to have and what the safer sex implications are for them. Also, think about emotional and physical safety. I don’t mean to sound paranoid or negative, but everything involves risk and it behooves you to think about what you may have to lose. So, if either you or your husband are in a position where it could cause more than just embarrassment if others found out about your sex lay (e.g. losing your job) think about how to minimize that risk. This needn’t be a reason to stop yourself, but being practical beforehand can really help.
Privacy: You need to weigh your desire for privacy against your desire for finding a particular sexual partner. If you do look for and find someone local then you are likely losing some privacy. Some couples choose to experiment with a third person while they are on vacation or in a different city. Wanting to have sex with a third person is nothing to be ashamed of, and in an ideal world it would be nothing you need to hide. But we don’t live in an ideal world, and sexual shame leads people to judge. There are always ways to do things safer and you just need to give that some thought.
Communication: It’s important for you and your husband to talk about what you want to do, but it’s also important that you communicate this to the person you want to hook up with. Having clear expectations about what you’re getting into goes a long way to keeping things neat (or at least neat in a boundary way…the sex can still be messy!). Think about what you want to say but also who is going to say what. And since you’ve never done this before I recommend talking about what happens if you start and one of you decides you want to stop. Having a code word or an agreement that it’s okay to back out at any time is a good idea, and the most generous thing to do is let your soon-to-be sex partner in on it, so in case things don’t work out, they aren’t left feeling like they were the reason.
2 Steps to Prepare Her For An Orgasm
Another great article posted by Dan and Jennifer!
Most women know that we have to be warmed up before we can orgasm. This article is more geared towards men and women because a female O is a two person job during sex.
1. Help Her Relax
Free the mind and bring your girl to a place where she can enjoy the moment, loosen up, and let go of her worries. We didn’t go through all that trouble just so she can lie passively, stare blankly at the ceiling, and do nothing but wait for the climax.
Of course not! She has a part in this dance. We went through the trouble of relaxing the mind & body so she can actively FOCUS on the sexual sensations. It’s the girl’s job is to take all stimulation, heighten awareness, and use that to power the climaxes.
An orgasm is not a passive thing; she has to feel the intensifying sensations of an unfolding process. She has to close her eyes, stop worrying about bills or anything fishy, block everything else.
2. Switch to Sexual Rapture
She has to recognize your hand and attend its gig on her vulva. She has to feel your fingers inside her, threatening to enflame her G -spot. She has to follow your tongue as it scintillates her clitoris. She has to feel every thrust and be enveloped with your blissful moves.
But as she’s doing these, she shouldn’t drive for an orgasm, but simply ride the journey to it. If she gets worried with cumming, she’ll merely undo everything in Step 1. Here, she’s not pressuring herself, she’s just enjoying the process, being in the moment. She’s not thinking about the big O, but reveling in the ecstasy you bring each other. She’s just playing around.
And then, just when she’s not expecting it, at a point when she’s just messing around, at a moment when she’s lost all track of time… she begins that familiar writhing. It’s those unmistakable contractions. They’re starting to come in. She moans. Her body thrashes and her head swings side-to-side. Ding. ding. ding!
That’s the two-step process of sidestepping the paradox. First, clear her head. Second, fill it with erotic bliss.
5 Signs He’ll Be Good In Bed
This is for the single ladies. I typically focus on couples but I like this article because I picked up on these things when I was dating my fiance and BOY is he good in bed! He to this day, still opens the door for me and tells me how beautiful I am. I think that is a huge reason why we have such a great sex life, I am comfortable in my own skin around him and that makes me willing to try new things without feeling embarrassed. So ladies, if you can find a man who does the things below, I hope you work out because these are awesome traits in a guy!
1. He is a Gentleman
In love and sex, it’s the small things that matter. Does he open doors for you, pull out your chair, call to check in about your day, remember to ask about your big work project? All are signs that he’s thinking about you. If he’s a thoughtful gentleman out of the bedroom, you can bet that treatment will continue once the lights are out.
2. He Know How To Touch You
Guys who are into sex purely for sex’s sake often save touching for one purpose, to score. A great lover is one who values sensuality both in and out of the bedroom. So if you’re seeing a guy who touches your hand across the table at dinner, feels the small of your back as you walk through a hallway or holds your hand as you stroll through the park… that guy will know how to touch all of you.
3. It’s Not Always About Him
For some men, it’s always about them. What happened in their day, where they want to eat and what movie they want to see. Can you see where this is heading? But a guy who asks you about your day first, goes to your favorite restaurant even if he’s not a huge fan of that type of food… or cuddles on the couch for a chick-flick? Now that guy will make your happiness a priority both in and out of bed!
4. He’s Not In A Rush
Guys who are more interested in your body than in you, well, they want to get in the sack in a rush. Join him there too quick and you’ll be a flash in his pan. A man who is truly interested in being your lover knows that you are worth a little wait. He actually wants to savor the build up because he plans on sticking around. So, if he says, “Let’s wait” or “I’m not in a rush,” know that he’s willing to invest in his lovemaking.
5. He Makes You Feel Beautiful
Mind blowing sex is all about feeling free to be your uninhibited self because you know that your partner appreciates you. The kind of man who will make you feel that way is free with his compliments– building you up with each little thing he notices about you that he likes. Even the way he looks at you will make you feel smart, sexy and attractive. That kind of chemistry smolders in bed and bursts into flame.
Read the full article here.
5 Tips for Keeping the Relationship Fresh
I am always looking for things that we can do to keep the healthy relationship we already have even more fun. This article offers 5 easy tips to keep your relationship fresh.
5. Mind Your Manners.
One way to be supportive of your partner is to be grateful for the things he or she does for you. Say “thank you” often and sincerely, and say it for even the most mundane things. Holding the door open, passing the sugar and picking up the dry cleaning are more obvious occasions, but what about when your partner cooks dinner or changes the baby’s diaper? Be grateful even for the abstract things your partner does, like making you laugh when you’re grouchy, remembering just how you like your coffee or putting on the perfect music to soothe your racing mind at the end of a long day. Challenge yourself by expressing gratitude even when you’re in the middle of an argument.
The more instances you find to be grateful, the more you become aware of all the tiny acts of love that pass between you and your partner on a regular basis. Just recognizing them will cast a new light on your relationship and ignite a little spark.
4. Break Up The Routine.
Part of the trick to overcoming routine is to plan ahead, and part of it is being spontaneous. You’ll need to plan for a date with your partner: Make the dinner reservations, schedule the babysitter and pick out your outfit. Even so, there are ways to introduce something new into your plan. Try a new restaurant, wear a color you don’t normally wear or undo one more button on that favorite top you always wear.
Planning sex on a schedule can be either a boon or a hindrance to passion, so try making a date for sex, but also be open to finding ways to make sex happen if the mood strikes.
3. Learn To Argue Well.
Here are some tips for arguing well:
- Learn to listen as well as express yourself. You may find that the whole argument stemmed from a simple misunderstanding, in which case you can move right on to the make-up sex.
- Respect your partner’s beliefs and don’t expect to change his or her mind. Your goal is to understand each other; you don’t have to agree.
- Uncensored anger may be unproductive. If the intensity of your anger surprises even you, it might be best to take a few moments before you say anything. As freeing as it might feel to call your partner names and hurl expletives (or vases), you’ll just put your partner on the defensive.
- Make it about finding a resolution for BOTH of you, not just one of you. If only one of you wins, you both lose. Go for a win-win! (Warning: This means compromise.)
2. Maintain Outside Relationships.
A couple’s relationship can be both complicated and enhanced by outside relationships. Not all outside relationships will fit well into a couple’s life together. Some of them, like those with mothers-in-law, can’t exactly be avoided, but others can, and they should be kept separate from the couple’s relationship. These friendships can enhance the couple’s time together by giving each person time and space to nurture and develop interests that the partner doesn’t necessarily share. A lunch date with a coworker is a much better outlet for discussing a work project than dinner at home. And sometimes it’s really nice to be able to enjoy an inside joke without having to explain it to your significant other.
At the same time, it’s healthy for couples to have friends they hang out with together. These friendships provide a way for a couple to be social together and explore common interests. They can also be a source of positive feedback for the relationship.
1. Grooming and Hygiene.
Remember at the beginning of your relationship when you always looked your best for each other, when not even a nose hair was out of place? As time passes, it’s hard to maintain the same attention to appearance as we did in the beginning, what with the baby spit-up, weekly housecleaning and gardening chores, and lazy Sundays. If your relationship has lost a little of its fizzle, take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. Paying just a little extra attention to grooming and hygiene can make the idea of spontaneous sex a lot more appealing.
Men, have you shaved recently or trimmed your facial hair (and removed food crumbs)? Trimmed your fingernails and toenails? Ladies, are you so comfortable in your favorite T-shirt-slash-nightgown that your lingerie has been forgotten in the back of the closet? Finally, everyone, have you bathed recently?
Don’t forget about the importance of your surroundings. Groom your environment for romance with a little creative and cheap home redecorating. Dim the lighting or turn it off altogether and light some candles. Dress up the bed with extra pillows and soft, luxurious sheets to roll around in together. Try aromatherapy: Jasmine, ylang ylang and vanilla are scents that have been used for hundreds of years to arouse the senses and inspire sexy thoughts.
Source: http://health.howstuffworks.com/relationships/tips/5-tips-for-keeping-relationship-fresh.htm
Please hold while I poor my heart out.
So, as some of you know, I have my apprehensions about swinging or entering the “lifestyle”. I have done a lot of research, read the good and bad about it, heard about other people’s experiences and talked to my man several times about how I was feeling. Which was, to be honest, nervous, scared, jealous and worried that this encounter could ruin our relationship. That was my first mistake because nothing can ruin our relationship. We both want to make each other so happy that we will do anything and we always have the other’s best interests in mind. So I knocked that worry out. A lot of readers actually helped me with my jealousy and nervousness by talking to me in the chat or telling me your experiences in the comments. The thought that someone actually reads and cares about what I have to say makes me endlessly happy. I never dreamed I would get to interact with so many amazing people who are all so supportive of us and the path we are on but also of each other.
But enough of the mushy stuff. 
I could tell something was bothering my fiance last night and I literally had to beg him to tell me what was wrong. We had a pretty bad day and were exhausted after traveling and a few other things we ran into as soon as we got here and he didn’t want to talk. I just couldn’t take no for an answer. I literally laid on top of him and asked him over and over to talk to me or I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I probably didn’t take the right approach but I am glad I begged him because we had the most amazing talk and I feel we are so much stronger every time we have a fight, argument or deep talk like that. He really opened my eyes about a lot of things.
I think one of my biggest issues was that I didn’t know what he was expecting out of the experience, should we have it. I have mentioned before that he was previously married and was in the lifestyle and it seemed to me like his ex was willing to dive into whatever, no big deal. Where as I had carefully weighed all the options, thus making me feel like the lame second wife who wasn’t as outgoing. What I haven’t mentioned is that one reason I struggled so much with the thought of being with other people is that it goes against everything I was taught growing up. My family wasn’t fire and brimstones but they were religious and I was taught that it was wrong to have sex before marriage. I was on that path for a long time and was one of the only girls in my senior class that was still a virgin. Long story short, I haven’t had anyone as patient and loving as he is to show me new experiences like this or teach me how to be more open in our sex life. I am beyond words lucky that he came into my life.
While the talk consisted of many things he needed to get off his chest, the biggest thing for me that came up in conversation was swinging. He hasn’t told me really what he wanted other than to make me happy. Well I didn’t know what I wanted either but I know that had the swinging thing not come up, I never would have thought about messing around with other people and I would have been happy in my monogamous marriage for the rest of our lives. However, I am more cultured now than I was when we met (Thank goodness) and I have a decision to make. What he said, though so simple, changed the whole way I have been thinking about this. I guess in the back of my mind I thought he really wanted to sleep with other people, which meant I was boring or not as good as past relationships. I know now that I was COMPLETELY wrong and I feel so ridiculous for acting like a jealous school girl. He didn’t tell me what he wanted because he doesn’t have expectations. He wants to just go and know that I will be willing to have an open mind and take it one little step at a time. He said he didn’t care if we did nothing but watch other people or we have a replay of NYC night. He just wanted to see what we were open to, together. He felt that the night I kissed and groped that other woman, it brought us much closer together and he is right. I feel the same. I don’t have regrets, I had a blast and it made us stronger, so why WOULDN’T we want to try again? It is really that simple. He also said that if I became uncomfortable at any point, we could stop and go back to the life we have made together thus far… no regrets.
So here I am, saying..I’m all in. I want to make the most of our relationship even if it doesn’t go all the way. That is the most important reason. However, I can’t deny the fact that I have had a ton of people interested in our story and I would like to give you guys something good to read about .=)
So here we go, expect big things coming up. I know I am. And again…I truly want to thank all of you that have taken the time to talk to me about this and other things. Also, if you read this whole thing, I apologize for taking so much time out of your day. I really needed to get this off my chest. You guys are THE BEST. XOXO
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