Threesomes, and the Nature of Sexual Objectification

Written by Her on April 23, 2012 in Articles

Cory Silverberg wrote on article that Dan and Jennifer posted to Twitter. I thought I would share since this is a topic many of us are interested in. This is the email Cory received:

My husband and I would like to have a woman join us in bed.  He thinks we can just hire someone, but I’d rather not have to pay someone to have sex with me.  Part of me would like it to be with someone we know, but that may strain that relationship.  I’d really like to find a woman who is “dying” to have sex with me (so much so she’s willing to include my husband!)  So, how do i go about finding that person?  And is it objectifying to seek out someone for sex only?

And his response:

My first answer is yes. That is, if you are really only interested in finding someone to fulfill your sexual desires, someone who essentially stands in as an object or thing that will be there for you to use as you wish without having to think about their needs or wants, I think that could be accurately described as objectifying them. But, I very quickly want to point out that if you are up front about this and you find someone who happens to be turned on by this idea, then I’m not sure there’s a problem with it. No sexual exchange is every completely complimentary. We all get different things from sexual encounters and two people can leave a sexual interaction both satisfied but having got very different things from it. So I guess what I’m saying is that sexual objectification is not always a bad thing.

My second answer to your question is no. I say no because most of the time what you’re describing isn’t really objectifying. To objectify in this context would mean to treat someone like an object, a thing. Feeling sexual desire for someone in the absence of any other kind of interest or desire is not the same thing as thinking about them as an object. You say that you want to have sex with someone who desires you. That sounds to me like you are looking for a person to have sex with, not an object. I think the charge of objectification is often made by people who think it’s wrong to want sex and not a relationship, or to want sex without love. I would argue that there is nothing inherently wrong with either of these things. They may run counter to an individuals beliefs and values, and they are probably the wrong choice for some. But believe me, if people only had sex when they were in love or when they wanted to be in a relationship there would be a lot less sex happening in the world.

On to the more practical aspect of your question: where to find someone to have sex with. It seems like you and your husband have already talked about this but before you bring a live person into the mix (as opposed to the fantasy that you may have both thought through a few times) I want to suggest you make sure you’re on the same page about what you want. Are you looking for one night of hot sex? Is this something that might happen again? It doesn’t sound like either of you are looking to bring a third partner into the relationship, but it’s best to be clear about that too.

I’m probably reading too much into it, but I did want to ask if you are mostly interested in having sex with another woman or having sex with another woman AND your husband. I ask because the way you worded your question made me wonder if having your husband along was more of a concession. We all make concessions of course, but I’m a big fan of going in with as much forethought as possible.

There are lots of places to find someone to have sex with, and whatever your situation, there are lots of people out there who would be ready and willing to have sex with you and your husband. Each come with their pros and cons. You’ve already identified that hooking up with someone you know will likely have many strings (and strains) attached. But if you’re the kind of person who will only be comfortable if it’s someone you know, then you may want to start there.

Most online dating sites and personals sections offer opportunities to find people for sex. You can look for profiles of women open to hearing from couples. You could also post a profile yourself. Some couples post one profile as a couple (although to be honest you’ll get very different responses as an individual vs. as a couple). If you are only looking for a one night stand I’d recommend these over finding people through, say, a swingers group where folks are often expecting more social interaction.

Your husband’s idea that you pay someone also has it’s pros and cons. The big con being that (depending on where you live) it’s illegal. But I have to say that if you lived somewhere were it was legal to negotiate sex for money with a professional, that situation has many benefits. Sex workers are professionals. They have clear boundaries, they are good at communicating those boundaries and communicating about sex and if you were comfortable with it, experimenting with a sex worker actually eliminates some of the risks of hooking up with a non-professional. A sex worker isn’t going to fall in love with either you or your husband. They aren’t going to call you afterward, and if you run into them out in public they aren’t going to start talking about the sex you had. I’m not suggesting this is the way to go, but wanted to point out a few of the benefits, for those who can access professional services legally.

No matter how you look or who you find, I wanted raise a few points worth considering as you move this idea from fantasy to reality:

Safety: If it’s been a while since you’ve had sex with someone other than your husband, you want to make sure you’re thinking about what kinds of sex you want to have and what the safer sex implications are for them. Also, think about emotional and physical safety. I don’t mean to sound paranoid or negative, but everything involves risk and it behooves you to think about what you may have to lose. So, if either you or your husband are in a position where it could cause more than just embarrassment if others found out about your sex lay (e.g. losing your job) think about how to minimize that risk. This needn’t be a reason to stop yourself, but being practical beforehand can really help.

Privacy: You need to weigh your desire for privacy against your desire for finding a particular sexual partner. If you do look for and find someone local then you are likely losing some privacy. Some couples choose to experiment with a third person while they are on vacation or in a different city. Wanting to have sex with a third person is nothing to be ashamed of, and in an ideal world it would be nothing you need to hide. But we don’t live in an ideal world, and sexual shame leads people to judge. There are always ways to do things safer and you just need to give that some thought.

Communication: It’s important for you and your husband to talk about what you want to do, but it’s also important that you communicate this to the person you want to hook up with. Having clear expectations about what you’re getting into goes a long way to keeping things neat (or at least neat in a boundary way…the sex can still be messy!). Think about what you want to say but also who is going to say what. And since you’ve never done this before I recommend talking about what happens if you start and one of you decides you want to stop. Having a code word or an agreement that it’s okay to back out at any time is a good idea, and the most generous thing to do is let your soon-to-be sex partner in on it, so in case things don’t work out, they aren’t left feeling like they were the reason.

Find the article here!