Please hold while I poor my heart out.

Written by Her on March 27, 2012 in Blog

So, as some of you know, I have my apprehensions about swinging or entering the “lifestyle”. I have done a lot of research, read the good and bad about it, heard about other people’s experiences and talked to my man several times about how I was feeling. Which was, to be honest, nervous, scared, jealous and worried that this encounter could ruin our relationship. That was my first mistake because nothing can ruin our relationship. We both want to make each other so happy that we will do anything and we always have the other’s best interests in mind. So I knocked that worry out. A lot of readers actually helped me with my jealousy and nervousness by talking to me in the chat or telling me your experiences in the comments. The thought that someone actually reads and cares about what I have to say makes me endlessly happy. I never dreamed I would get to interact with so many amazing people who are all so supportive of us and the path we are on but also of each other.

But enough of the mushy stuff. I could tell something was bothering my fiance last night and I literally had to beg him to tell me what was wrong. We had a pretty bad day and were exhausted after traveling and a few other things we ran into as soon as we got here and he didn’t want to talk. I just couldn’t take no for an answer. I literally laid on top of him and asked him over and over to talk to me or I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I probably didn’t take the right approach but I am glad I begged him because we had the most amazing talk and I feel we are so much stronger every time we have a fight, argument or deep talk like that. He really opened my eyes about a lot of things.

I think one of my biggest issues was that I didn’t know what he was expecting out of the experience, should we have it. I have mentioned before that he was previously married and was in the lifestyle and it seemed to me like his ex was willing to dive into whatever, no big deal. Where as I had carefully weighed all the options, thus making me feel like the lame second wife who wasn’t as outgoing. What I haven’t mentioned is that one reason I struggled so much with the thought of being with other people is that it goes against everything I was taught growing up. My family wasn’t fire and brimstones but they were religious and I was taught that it was wrong to have sex before marriage. I was on that path for a long time and was one of the only girls in my senior class that was still a virgin. Long story short, I haven’t had anyone as patient and loving as he is to show me new experiences like this or teach me how to be more open in our sex life. I am beyond words lucky that he came into my life.

While the talk consisted of many things he needed to get off his chest, the biggest thing for me that came up in conversation was swinging. He hasn’t told me really what he wanted other than to make me happy. Well I didn’t know what I wanted either but I know that had the swinging thing not come up, I never would have thought about messing around with other people and I would have been happy in my monogamous marriage for the rest of our lives. However, I am more cultured now than I was when we met (Thank goodness) and I have a decision to make. What he said, though so simple, changed the whole way I have been thinking about this. I guess in the back of my mind I thought he really wanted to sleep with other people, which meant I was boring or not as good as past relationships. I know now that I was COMPLETELY wrong and I feel so ridiculous for acting like a jealous school girl. He didn’t tell me what he wanted because he doesn’t have expectations. He wants to just go and know that I will be willing to have an open mind and take it one little step at a time. He said he didn’t care if we did nothing but watch other people or we have a replay of NYC night. He just wanted to see what we were open to, together. He felt that the night I kissed and groped that other woman, it brought us much closer together and he is right. I feel the same. I don’t have regrets, I had a blast and it made us stronger, so why WOULDN’T we want to try again? It is really that simple. He also said that if I became uncomfortable at any point, we could stop and go back to the life we have made together thus far… no regrets.

So here I am, saying..I’m all in. I want to make the most of our relationship even if it doesn’t go all the way. That is the most important reason. However, I can’t deny the fact that I have had a ton of people interested in our story and I would like to give you guys something good to read about .=)

So here we go, expect big things coming up. I know I am. And again…I truly want to thank all of you that have taken the time to talk to me about this and other things. Also, if you read this whole thing, I apologize for taking so much time out of your day. I really needed to get this off my chest. You guys are THE BEST. XOXO

Love, relationships, Swinging